This article originally appeared in the 12.27.12 issue of Metroland
Holy crap it’s prediction time again. Looking over last year’s, a couple of purely wistful-thinking predictions came
through—that SOPA / PIPA would go down in flames and that Mittens would get
nominated and then pounded in the general election. I had no faith either of these things would
happen and lookie lookie! Madonna didn’t
get booed at the Superbowl, but she did get ignored, which is probably
better. I for one am glad this year is
almost behind us, as it’s been chock-full of tragedy, betrayal, crisis, data
caps, and an inability to score any goddamned Pappy Van Winkle bourbon. But we plough on, boats against the current,
thinking a better life lies right around the corner. And we’ll prove it in 2013.
will initially be unable to pass meaningful gun control legislation, and then
there will be another mass shooting at an elementary school. Congress will then
finally pass gun control laws that will cause a number of uneducated white guys
to go on rampages with their Bushmasters, the only remaining vestiges of what
they understand to be their manhood.
Parts of Texas will declare independence from the United States and try
to stage some kind of sad trailer-trash armed insurrection. Obama will, once again, show what true
leadership is all about.
third year I predict that at least one daily newspaper in the region will
fold. Editorials in other local papers
will decry this, blame the internet, and say that this is bad for
democracy. The rest of us, if we even
notice, will shrug.
member of a legacy rock band will croak on stage. It won’t be a Rolling Stone. I’ve given up predicting any of those guys
are gonna die. I intend to live to a
ripe old age, and they’ll still all be around when I go. Bastards.
media icon will score big with a new local gig that will allow said media icon
to reinvent him-or-herself and to become a real champion of local art, local
rocking, and the American Way. Another
local media icon will trash an otherwise distinguished career by saying
something unspeakably stupid into a live mic at exactly the wrong time.
teenage singer-songwriter will break internationally with a song we won’t be
able to get sick of no matter how hard we try.
and the FCC will land on the telephone companies for holding bandwidth hostage
and denying rural parts of the country (like my house) the ability to get
high-speed internet at a reasonable price.
A bunch of pinhead Koch-funded fake tea-baggers will yell “socialism”
but no one will be listening.
the tea-baggers, there will be a mass-shooting at some “conservative” event by
some Christianista nut-job who finally realizes that he’s being used by the
Republican establishment to make the world a better place for billionaires, oil
companies, and insurance companies.
cult masquerading as an “executive training organization” will disintegrate
when the feds swoop in with subpoenas and indictments. A bunch of people, including several
prominent local attorneys, will end up in the hoose-gow.
distiller will unveil a bourbon so bitchin’ I’ll forget I ever liked Pappy Van
conservative intellectuals will continue to beat the drum for copyright
reform. Tea-bagger types won’t play
along because they’re too stupid to understand the concept, and Democrats will
resist it because they’re too bought-off by Big Media. But the populace will start to take note.
hundreds of porn copyright-troll lawsuits will get blown out of federal court
system by angry judges. A gaggle of porn
attorneys will get disbarred.
and other types of electronic dance music will continue to dominate the music
scene in Albany, despite City Hall’s ham-fisted attempts to stop it. Ditto for post-modern burlesque. It’ll take an expensive civil rights lawsuit
to get City Hall to behave and play fair.
A capital region promoter will do an EDM show in the Berkshires and make
Scalia will reveal he’s gay in the unanimous decision he writes holding that
gays’ rights to marriage and equality are inherent in the United States
Beatdown will get signed to a major label that thinks the band is really from
Iceland. You’re Boring As F***
will be a major, major hit, and will inspire
the next Judd Apatow film of the same title.
make 2013 one to remember.
Paul Rapp is a
Berkshire IP attorney who sometimes forgives if he’s in the right mood, but
never, ever forgets.